Silent Hill: The Movie, A Retrospective Look At a Great Piece of Shit.
Anybody who has gotten to know will tell you that I like Silent Hill, a lot. Like, if it was a woman I'd probably marry it(Or simply lavish her with far too much attention resulting in restraining orders. Let's be realistic). I will be the first to admit that I dick ride that series HARD and I'm damn proud of it. I love the series so much, the stories, the characters, the monsters, the art direction, atmosphere, music, ambiance, it's all stellar. Even the American made Silent Hill Origins was pretty great for not being made by the Silent Hill team. Honestly, I could go on and on about it all day and all night if I wanted to. Long story short, I digs it like whoa.

However, if there is one thing in this world that I love as much as I hate(Other than my penis. The ability to frivolously pee absolutely anywhere ranks up there for one of the coolest things ever) it's the Silent Hill movie. Now don't get me wrong, as far as movie adaptations of video games go, it's pretty decent. Pretty fucking decent. Then again it's up against Uwe Boll movies, so saying that isn't really saying anything at all. I waited on pins and needles for this movie to come out. I even wanted to believe the fake movie poster that got its own thread on the Silent Hill Forum was real, despite how absolutely goofy it was and it had Johnny Depp on it. So I waited and waited, got stoked when the teaser was released and watched it about a thousand times. And then it happened. It was coming out! And on the same day that the long awaited sequel to my all time favorite game ever, EarthBound, was hitting Japanese stores(I don't even want to get started on that). It could have easily been the best day ever. It was probably one of the few, if not only time I went to a movie on opening night. When the intro kicked on and played the beginning of the very beautiful theme to the first game, I was insane with delight. Surely this was going to be fantastic.

To be fair the first half of the movie was a fairly adequate recreation of the beginning of the first game, which was obviously what the movie is based on. We are introduced to Rose DeSilva and her incredibly unimportant husband character played by the biggest actor in the movie(Sean Bean). Rose is obviously suppose to be Harry Mason, the epitome of Twin Peaks inspired badassitude. I didn't mind Rose as a protagonist, I mean I'd rather have Harry, but I can understand the whole "searching for the lost daughter" scenario appeases to the general public more if its the mother as opposed to the "who-dun-it" novelist father figure. Okay, whatever. The first lines spoken in the movie are Rose's panicked screams for her sleep-wandering daughter, Sharon.

Let me get something out in the air. If you want to make an adaptation for a pre-existing story as a movie that's already in some other form of media, that's fine. I really have no problem with it. I can understand cutting things from the story to account for time and budget and all that jazz. I get it. I got it. I really do. Honest. This is what I have a problem with, and this seems to be the constant norm with video game based movies...They completely remake the story. Is that REALLY necessary? In most cases, it's not done with book movies, so why video game movies? That is what I don't get. Sharon's name in the game was Cheryl. It's not the case of changing the character so drastically that a new identity is required entirely, i.e. Rose. But rather, it's the same exact character, pretty much. Why change the name? Just keep it Cheryl. This isn't even a constant device for the rest of the movie. Dahlia and Cybil are in the movie too, and yet their names are unchanged. Even Alessa's, story focal point character, name isn't changed and her and Cheryl are essentially the same person. So why use this device for this one character? Whatev'.

When Sean Bean is on screen, it comes very close to taking me out of the movie, as I can only think of Borimir. When he's attempting to talk Rose out of taking "Sharon" to Silent Hill all I can imagine is the scene in Fellowship when Borimir wets his pantaloons at the mention of Mordor. Leaning in with a cheese-eating pedosmile on his face, as it's clearly mentally disturbed him far greater than actually being there, and begins to read off his laundry list of complaints about their destination. If he had performed the same exact scene in this over the phone to Rose, it would have made the movie infinitely better. "Silent Hill..with mumblers wandering the streets waiting to slash and gouge at the slightest notion..fog..that blots out the sun..and Pyramid Head, not just your run-of-the-mill monster but a rapist with an agenda..!" Look, I don't remember his laundry list from Fellowship word for word, so take it or leave it.

The entering of the town is pretty spot on to how it goes down in the game, so it does get kudos points there. The fog, the sirens, even Rose getting chased throw a lighter-lit corridor walled by chain-link fence to eventually get gangulated by a mob of impish asshole monsters. All the way up to her even waking up in some stank dive. I was even happy to see that a few landmarks were in place and shown, as were the names of some of the streets and even the elementary school was called Midwich. I think I might have been more stoked to see they made a likeness of Nathans Drugs than I was to actually see monsters(Which was a lame rip off but not the same as the children monsters in the first game). What wasn't I happy about? The ash. The constant raining ash and the persistent mentioning of how there's some jive crazy fire burning beneath the ghost town. Guess what didn't happen in the games. That. Guess where that happened. Centralia, Pennsylvania. Would it have really been that difficult to use the rich back story of the town in the games instead of typing in "ghost towns" in a search engine and find a back story that exists in a real town? I guess it would have been. The falling specks in the first game were snow. It was snowing. In fact, Harry and some other character(I'm thinking Dr. Kauffman, for whatever reason was left out of the movie) make mention of how it's snowing and it's about as unseasonal as the weather can get and then make mention of how incredibly unseasonal weather is a very bad omen. It's there, you fucks. Look it up!

On the plus side, I think the only character who wasn't fucked with too bad in the whole movie was Cybil. She has the same name, same look, almost same everything really. Plus, she has more face time in the movie than she did in the game and they made her a raging bulldyke, but a raging bulldyke you could bring home to momma! And she was pretty attractive. They even gave her one of the series' biggest icons and that's the flashlight you put in a breast pocket. All in all, she's rad. I have no beefs with her.

Dahlia however is a different story. For those who don't know, Dahlia is the villain of the first game and probably by far the most dangerous one there has been due to how cunning and knowledgeable she was. She was Alessa's mother, but she and Dr. Kaufman devised a plan to make Alessa the messiah of the infamous Silent Hill cult and make her the mother of their god. Though they were doing it so that they themselves could attain power as opposed to bring salvation and enlightenment to the cult members. Well in the movie Dahlia is nomadic hobo who looks really awesome(In fact her look inspired me for a particular character in something I'm writing) but sucks it bad. Though at least she looked way better than she did in Silent Hill Origins. Why does she suck? Because she's not villainous, nor is she entirely important to the story for the most part. She's just sort of there and everyone hates her because she likes sex. Or used to, I don't know the rules with homeless broads and sex. Basically in the movie her sister is the villain, her sister tries to sacrifice Alessa because she's a bastard or some shit, it fails, accidentally starting the fire, setting the town ablaze for a while, which starts the OMFG PERMA-COAL FIRE, and gives the other incredibly useless character(a certain Thomas Gucci who meanders around with Borimir) actual connection to the story as he's the one who "rescues" Alessa even though she already looks like beef jerky. So Alessa makes a "deal with the devil" as it were to fuck some ngrs up. Everybody got that? So yeah, the story is much more stupid in the movie. But who expected it to be good? Not like Roger Avery wrote the screenplay or anything. I mean, he's a nobody! What did he write?! Pulp FUCKING Fiction, that's what. Or at least him and Tarantino. I surely am a stupid asshole for assuming someone who wrote a good movie would write a good movie. Why couldn't the cult stay the same? Why did they suddenly have to become Puritans? And why show so much of them?! It's like half the fucking movie! They're not as interesting as the original. Use the original cult!

Pyramid Head. Oh boy...First of all, he doesn't belong in this movie. The story has absolutely nothing to do with him what-so-ever. He was strictly for the second game in the series, which should have been the actual movie in the first place. He has absolutely nothing to do with the story of the first one, so why would he have something to do with an even shittier story based off of the story he had nothing to do with? Now, I loves me some Pyramid Head. In fact, he terrifies me to no end and often times in nightmares he is involved in some way and it's always ultimate scary for realsies. The movie Pyramid Head, OH WAIT I'M SORRY "THE RED PYRAMID" IS HIS NAME IN THE MOVIE, BECAUSE IT'S OBVIOUS THEY ONLY PLAYED THE FIRST 15 MINUTES OF EACH GAME, doesn't scare me at all. This could partly be because they pimped his ride, and by his ride I mean him. They redesigned him and tried to make him look more like a badass than an actual nightmare. Now, I wouldn't want to fight either one, but I would think you would want to go for the scarier look. Racing stripes aren't scary, they're tacky. However, THE RED BUTT-FUCKING PYRAMID, actually does have one intensely awesome scene, and I do believe it is my friend John who even made it as awesome as it was. So there's a character named Anna(who as soon as she's introduced brings the whole movie down hard so I will not elaborate anymore on her than I have to because she's a big stupid doodoo head) who accompanies Rose and Cybil on their aimless quest through Centralia Hill to find Rose's daughter who doesn't even know her own name, poor thing. So there's an awful scene where they reveal the source of the sirens as being the cult's church, and as all the lame Puritan silly-nannies are running into the church to escape the coming darkness(I thought they meant the band "The Darkness" was in town, because I'd run too) and our favorite vagrant(Best title anyone could ever have? Maybe) Dahlia was trying to ramble on about not trusting the cult to our heroines as hobo-esque as possible. So what does Anna do? Throw rocks at her, like any adult does when someone differs in opinion. The darkness(evil, not the band. lol contradiction) sweeps over them and Dahlia points at Anna, so who takes shape behind her but the Red Pyramid himself. And finally he does something note worthy. He picks Anna up by the neck, walks up the stairs, says SOMETHING in a crazy metallic, voice and rips her dress off. Now within only a second or two he then rips her skin off with his bare hands and whips the bloody hide at the doors of the church. Brilliant. However, it was within this second or two, when she was dangling in the air in her birthday suit that my friend John exclaimed, in the theater, "FINALLY!". You see, apparently he thought that Rose and Cybil were going to have lots of sex at one point and had been waiting on the edge of his seat for any form of female sexuality. His desire rose to astronomical proportions until the quick flash of nude girl flesh aroused such a reaction from him. It was glorious.

Cristabella was the villain and she makes baby Jesus cry. Not because she's an evil bitch but because she's stupid. She was a made up character for the movie and an awful one at that. I hope the actress gets raped by razor wire for real.

Possessed children stopped being scary after the first Exorcist, it's a sad fact I know, horror writers, but you need to learn to let go and cope.

Lisa Garland made a cameo and that made me very happy.

The girl who played "Sharon" and Alessa is a horrible horrible actress despite what Radha Mitchell says and I hope she never gets work again.

The movie's soundtrack, except for one Johnny Cash song, is all music from the games. So it's all fantastic and awesome. And it's also all done by Akira Yamaoka! How weird that some American D-bag, who I don't care enough about to look up, took credit for the music in the ending credits. I'm sure he feels real accomplished.

Also, the guy who designed the movie monsters is a tool. He took credit for monster designs from the actual games instead of the lame ones he made himself. He was also the guy who played The Red butt-fucking Pyramid and the pointless janitor, Colin. So in one movie he played two different creatures who were/are rapists and then he raped the original monster designs? I can't even decide if that's ironic or not.

Roger Avery was the only person in the special features who flat out said that the story in the movie is different. So unfortunately that makes me like him a little more.

Cristophe Gans obviously didn't know anything about the games like he claimed he did. Brotherhood of the Wolf was awesome, dude, what happened to you?

You know what? I don't love this movie at all! In fact I hate it even more now! I hope everything dies!

I always want to sit down and whip up a blog or something when I'm not at home and when I get home I'm always so tired or something and simply never do it. Be it laziness or whatever, it's irritating as it makes me feel unproductive. It's not just having a lack of motivation to create blogs, which aren't all that important, but the lack of motivation to write to begin with. I want to work on my stories but I can't seem to get over the hump of actually working on them. I try many things to inspire myself and it's not that I have an imagination block or anything, far from it, I'm constantly working things out in my head for the stories, it's just doing the work that seems to give me the trouble. Any suggestions to relieve this anybody? I'm all ears in that department. I would also like to discuss artistic directions of characters/things/places/etc. for the stories with any willing artists who happen to be reading this, just let me know if you're interested. Maybe just talking about it in general would motivate me.

Watched The Orphanage yesterday night. Very good movie, I don't have any beefs with it at all. It actually gave me the Freakout McNasties so I give it some degree of kudos just for that, as Silent Hill has really been the only thing to do that..unless I'm just becoming wimpier, which is indeed possible.

My grandpa passed away some number of weeks ago and I miss him. Him and I never really had much to talk about, but I really enjoyed his company as a child and respected him greatly. I got together with my grandma for a bit the other day and picked up some of his old belongings that I had wanted and she was more than willing to let me have. A very awesome portrait of him as a young man and he looks like he worked in a malt shop(Kick ass), his badges from when he was in the service, his American flag, the bible he was given by his parents when he was born(Now I just need bibles from both my biological grandmothers to complete my collection which I never really was shooting to complete to begin with), and a nice stack of movies from his office that I'm sure wouldn't be watched at all if I didn't pick them up. Most of which are Disney movies; Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, The Great Mouse Detective, Alice in Wonderland, The Wizard of Oz, Cinderella, Pocahontas, A Muppet Christmas Carol, and Goldfinger(Yes, I am aware which ones are Disney). In fact, I would go as far as to say that it was my grandpa who got me into being the big movie nut I am today. When I was but a shrimpling he had a massive collection of VHS tapes that I would literally watch all day and night. His collection was massive, but through out the years it started to get smaller and smaller until finally it was just down to a select few family movies for the much younger grandkids to partake in.

WHY I LOVE THE MOTHER SERIES-
As anyone who knows me knows, EarthBound is my favorite video game of all time. Ever. No exceptions. It will always be my favorite, nothing will ever be able to top it. Not even Mother 3(If I ever get to play that, good lord). EarthBound makes me happy. About as happy as watching Twice Upon A Time. Anyone who doesn't like EarthBound is a horrible human being and is most likely a closet pedophile or a rapist or something. When I played through EarthBound so many years ago, I thought it was the most fantastic adventure. I still do. Though the main characters rarely speak, if not at all, they're still some of my favorites ever and Ness will always be my childhood hero. The ideas and concepts in the Mother series are amazing and some of the best I've ever come across in my many years spelunking through video games and movies. The part I probably love the most, other than incredible villains and pop culture references(The Beatles 4 life), is the simple fact that it's a grown up's world seen through the eyes of children, and though it does have some dark elements, all in all it's simply just hilarity. A parody of the real world seen through the eyes of children, very intelligent reasonable children, which only makes it seem like more of a parody than it really is. Which only makes Giygas that much more horrifying(Ultimate evil embodied by Itoi's traumatic childhood experience of witnessing a rape scene in a movie. Beyond terrifying for the general style of the game's atmosphere). It's fantastic. The locations still excite my blood to this day when playing through. The art style is simple, but it so works. Itoi is a genius and one of my idols. He has created something so fantastic that it's actually sculpted a large part of my imagination. All that and Pokey is pretty radsauce. Boing!

I managed to really injure my leg yesterday at work....that's a blog entry all in itself there, so I'm going to cut this short to lay down.

Ciao.

I'm going to be honest, I've been better. I understand that there are people with significantly greater problems than my own and I sympathize. So it's not as though I'm thinking my problems are the only ones that matter. Quite frankly, I'm tired. So very very tired of so many things. Tired of being so completely exhausted and in pain every day that exercising is more of a painful chore instead of something relaxing and worthwhile I should engage in. I'm so tired of being this ugly thing that I've actually gotten sick to my stomach by looking at myself. Why, do you ask? Because I loathe this body. Intensely. It disgusts me to such a degree that I've some times gotten the urge to hurt it, myself, in some way. I'm transgender and I don't care who knows it. It's going to be completely impossible for me to see myself as anything but horribly ugly and grotesque until I'm finally in a position where I can do something about it. I need money and I need help. It's not something I can do alone and I don't know how long I can put it off before going over the edge. I'm so tired of this face looking back at me in the mirror and hearing this voice when I speak.

I'm incredibly tired of a large number of friends and the like who have used me or continually use me. You know who you are if anyone is reading this. I spend much time, energy, and honest to God feelings on so many of you and it never gets repaid. I was fine with it, though it hurt, for a long time. But I'm too exhausted to continue with that. I am not the scape goat to your problems. Do not ever EVER blame something on me or accuse me of something I have not done or meant. If I have ever ended a friendship it has been because the person in question was being beyond terrible. I am forgiving, I am loving, and I am understanding. If you call me out on something I am indeed guilty of I will fess up to it and have done so on many occasions. If you believe this to be a lie then ask my few closest friends and even my co-workers. How dare anyone I have spent so much of my life toward caring for and loving treat me so horribly? I do nothing but bend over backwards for my friends. So please allow me to clear some things up, because this all could simply be another blog all together.

1.)If you've ever stood me up without a call or a valid excuse, then I hope you feel real good about yourself.

2.)If you've ever accused me of trying to belittle you for being another sexual orientation, I hope you feel justified. Not like I'm transexual and will be met with all sorts of prejudice much worse than your own for the rest of my life. Which, oh yes, means I am allowed to call things GAY if I want to. Live with it.

3.)If you've ever said you loved me for who I was, played with my heart and tried to change me in the most painful ways possible. I was not the one who ruined you. YOU did. I hope living with the burden of realization of this is even a fraction of how painful it was to do to me, because I wouldn't wish the rest on anybody.

4.)If you've ever played a joke on me where the punchline was one of my best friends severing contact with me, I hope your lives crumble and are left with an emptiness inside that rivals mine. I hope all your romantic relationships are as fleeting and shallow as they can be. I never said anything to any of my friends that wasn't true, especially to their face. If you can't live with it, I guess the problem is with YOUR life, not mine. So I hope you feel real good about yourself for breaking someone's heart who honestly cared about you.

5.)If you've ever excused me of being ignorant of another culture or religion. Never have I. Guess that makes you guilty then, doesn't it?

6.)If you've ever had a judgemental or condescending thought or feeling about me and was sure that I'd feel it or pick up on it in the way you interacted with me, I guess that makes you the fucker doesn't it?

7.)If you've ever refused to listen to me when my advice could've saved you a lot of grief simply because you think I don't know my ass from my elbow. Guess you fucked up, huh?

8.)If you've ever made a blog/webpage/whatever about me simply to call me names, lash out at me, feel your justified by being backed up by all your fuck buddie-I mean friends who don't know the history or the truth about anything except for what skewed and ridiculous nonsense you spoon fed them while being a cock tease, then treat me like the world's most awful person when my best friend finds it and tears into you even against my initial wishes. I hope you get pseudo-raped AGAIN! lulz.

But anyway, enough of that. Those are for another time I think.

I am exhausted of being alone and coming home to nothing. And that's all I'll get into with that for a moment.

I am sorry to be so serious and angry and to an extent, EMO OMG WTF?!, but things bother me a little more each day until I simply go nuts.

Anyway, onto much better things. I finally got my mitts on a Nintendo Wii. It didn't take forever or anything either! Ok, that's a lie. It did take forever, as apparently acquiring one is one of the most epic ordeals a person can undergo in today's world. What with trudging through the most obscene of winter weather, traveling from store to store, slaying numerous dragons. It's quite the feat. Paul and I had such an ordeal the other day and it ended in failure. However, Toys R Us informed us of how they were getting a shipment Sunday morning. So Paul and I made it our business to claim said Wiis. We find that they are in safe abundance, at least by the time we got there, out of the 50 available we were numbers 38 and 39 to acquire tickets guaranteeing our Wiis. And after much freezing cold and waiting in line, the gorgeous marvel to Nintendo's glory was finally in my grasp. Where then I picked up Twilight Princess, which seems to have a pretty great story so far, and also preorded Super Smash Bros. Brawl, which in all honesty is the main reason I wanted a Wii to begin with.

For those of you who don't know, SSBB(Super Smash Bros. Brawl) is more than likely going to be the best game of all time. All of Nintendo's all-stars and then some in the most insane free-for-all known to man. Not to mention the new story mode, the Subspace Emissary, where all the characters get swept up in an epic storyline of massive proportions. Which I am obsessing over, because even despite the incredible greatness of such a concept, it feels like(Now I realize this sounds ultimate goofy) I have to play to save my childhood. I grew up with these characters and their respective stories and look back on them constantly with very fond memories. So obviously, I'm way stoked.

I actually had more to say, but have lost my train of thought..and Twilight Princess is calling me.

Until next time.

I'm a big fan of..well..fanart. And though I really do enjoy Kingdom Hearts, I really don't wish to browse through the fanart on here. I'm sure if I typed it into the search, the server would just explode.

Also, Nightmare Before Christmas needs to no longer be the mandatory favorite movie of the emo nation. Why do fan bases have to ruin the thing that they're so in love with? I want to enjoy the soundtrack without getting pissed that the movie is so obsessed over by a bunch of posers. Grooooaaaaan. Only reason I thought of that was because it was popping up on my iPod..

Oh! And Dragonball Z! If anyone ever bashes that show to me, prepare for me to defend it. Akira Toriyama is a wonderful, imaginative story teller. I love the show and it is not bad. It was just over done by the fanbase back when it was on Toonami. I refuse to watch GT though, since it's not Akira Toriyama. Bruce Faulconer made a way better score for the show than the original score it had. And unfortunately I MAY just have to drop some hearty cash and buy the whole series. As I require it.

Anyway..to the dreams..they've been some real doozies lately.

The other night, the dream was all about this weird town..it wasn't a small town nor was it a city. But just an average town, I guess. In this town, the entire population was experiencing frequent deja vu. This really powerful religious sect sent a "high-ranking" clergyman of sorts to investigate the weird phenomenon. She was a woman, dressed like some sort of nun. It was an old friend of my mother's, who had basically raised me during my more impressionable years(And whom I miss terribly). I was some sort of investigator of spiritual occurences and whatnots, so her and I teamed up to find the reason behind all the deja vu and weird goigs on. She ended up having to leave and head back to the city where her religion was based during the middle of the investigation. So they sent another, younger official in her place. Now this girl was actually someone I went to high school with. A gorgeous Indian girl. I wasn't necessarily friends with her, but we'd wave or share small talk. So I find it odd that she just randomly popped up in my subconscious. Anyway, she had a similar nun like outfit..but it was far more revealing. Showing off most of her back and her stomach, and she was pregnant, VERY pregnant. So her and I became partners to try and solve the mystery. It ended up being, the town was stuck in a cycle where certain events unfold that trigger a massive renewal and reincarnation of the whole town. Starting over again and again and again. But since her and I were in the town, finding this out, we were only part of it. So technically the case never gets documented as being solved. It just starts over again.

That could actually be a really intriguing story if I wanted to write it..

The second dream, the one I had last night, is a little crazier. It was me, some people who I didn't really know and some random characters from random stories. We somehow got stuck together in a big group and we had no idea why we were there, but something awful was unfolding and we needed to stop it. For WHATEVER reason, we needed the Dragonballs to do it. lmfao. Ursula from the Little Mermaid was in there, and though she's all evil and crap, she had to join my group to ensure her survival. So we ended up having to fight some goofy enemies, I don't even remember that part..but then things got really dark and one of the really important people in the group was seriously injured and the Grim Reaper himself was coming for her. So we had to actually fight him in the dark like a survival horror game almost. Most of us didn't have special powers and the ones who did were badly injured. So just us normal folk had to fight the Grim Reaper in the dark. So it went from surreal dream to tense nightmare real quick.

But no Pyramid Head in any dreams lately! Thank God. Though now that I said that, I'm sure he'll make an appearance, along with that crazy female PH he made....long story.

Anyway, hope to get to writing some summaries soon. I've just felt generally shitty lately. So tired and achey..and my stomach doesn't feel right. Blah..

I want to talk about something that I haven't shared with too many people. I had a dream last July, but this wasn't any normal dream. Not by a long shot. In this dream, God herself spoke to me. Now, it sounds crazy from the start, which is very much the reason why I don't share it. Because people would just dismiss it as a dream or simply call me nuts. Hell, some number of centuries ago I would have been burned for saying it. But all in all, nobody would care to believe. Most people would rather say it wasn't God at all just to make themselves feel better.

So God came to me in a dream. And it wasn't an old man with a flowing, white beard and a white robe, parting the clouds and descending down before me. That's just trife and ridiculous. I had gone to sleep that night, remembering I had to get up early to go somewhere, somewhere very important as going there would provide me with money. I needed said money to visit a very dear friend(which never happened, unfortunately). Though I was in the dream, I was reminding myself of this important engagement that required me to wake up early the next morning. Shortly after the dream began, I had to go to a friend's apartment. I can't remember who the friend was, but the apartment itself was an apartment that I had been to a long long time ago as a child and I really liked it there. The friend said they had to leave, but they wanted me to stay and talk to a friend of theirs. And that's when I saw her.

She was so incredibly beautiful. She had a very young Tilda Swinton quality..but that's only what it reminded me of, it was just the adrogynous vibe she gave off and her appearance, though it was radiantly beautiful. She was taller than me..but it wasn't noticable when she stood beside me. She wore a horizontally striped sweater and worn out blue jeans. Just looking at her was intense, as it made feelings I've never felt and ones I've long since forgotten swell up inside me. And she wanted to talk to me. She wanted me to tell her about myself and I did. I told her about my interests, my dreams, I told her about people I love and people I simply know. I told her about things I've done and things I'd like to do and I told her about things that have happened to me, both good and terrible. And the conversation seemed to last ages, but it was the type of "Oh this seems like it's taking forever" that also manages to go by too fast and you wish you had more time. I cried during parts of this talk and she held me, and that's when she seemed taller, like a parent holding a child. It was the most comforting, loving, relaxing, and completely safe feeling that I think I'll ever experience.

When I talked to her, she understood. There was infinite empathy in her deep, deep eyes. I knew that she understood everything I said and meant right even between the lines. She had "gotten me" even before I really opened up. The whole time she knew exactly what to say and though she talked to me, she spoke very little, if not anything at all of herself. I cannot emphasize enough how beautiful she was. It was a beautiful that you simply admire and look at in awe. Never once did I ever compare it to a sexual beauty.

After I told her a great many things about myself, she said she wanted to show me some things. So she held my hand and the apartment disappeared and I saw a vast, reddened wasteland..a post apocalypse as it were..though this part is hazy..I only remember specific characters that I recognized and they were in a scenario that felt for terrifying to me..and I cannot remember why. I wish I did. After this wasteland scenario, She took me to a huge..mostly empty room, but it was so dark inside..and in the middle was a beautiful raven haired woman..sleeping and suspended in the air behind a prison of lights, and I wanted to save her, but I couldn't. She reminded me of a lot of things, but I couldn't get to her through the light. I didn't have much time to anyway. She brought me back, but outside of the apartment, and she told me that she wanted to go exploring with me. So we walked the streets that I knew and actually got into quite a bit of shenanigans..it was sort of a lame, mediocre adventure, but it was something I've wanted to have again since I was a child. She enjoyed herself so much while we explored the neighborhood with very little concern for consepquence. But sadly, the sun rose in my dream and she told me she had to go. And I was beyond heart broken, I didn't want her to leave. And before she left, and this is the only thing I remember clearly enough to quote. "Be happy." She smiled, eyes and all. She smiled and told me to simply be happy. That was her message and with that, I woke up to the rising sun.

I don't care if anyone reading this thinks it was just a dream. I really don't give a shit what you think, because I know what I felt and what I saw. I never remember my dreams. The only time I come close is when I have an exceptionally terrifying nightmare and remember chunks of it. But this was all a surreal reality. I remember it all vividly. I felt tremendous bliss by being with her and it has left a gaping sadness in my heart since her absence. The original concept of Hell, when the fallen were exiled there, was simply a vast land void of the divine presence. I now understand how painful that must be. It hurts in such a weird, heart breaking way. I don't know why she came to me and not someone else. I'm not very special, but she seems to want me to be happy. I try, though lately it only seems like I'm failing her. Maybe I'll be important to someone special in the future. Maybe I'm meant for great things. Maybe she's just fond of me in general, which, all of these assumptions are horribly selfish. Hell, maybe my story is important and she wants me to finish it before I truly give up on everything. I have no fucking idea, honestly.

So I will always refer to God as "she" from now on, though I'm sure she only appears to what's most comforting to whom she's attempting to communicate with. God is adrogynous, but I saw her as more of a woman, so that's what she is to me.

I get so enraged when people talk to me or anyone else in general about various religious topics and are so arrogant in things that are so silly and basically make no sense.

Why would God hate homosexuals? That's ridiculous. God could never hate a human being for loving another human being. That's a complete contradictory to infinite love, isn't it? I understand once that God told humanity to not lay with the same sex..but this was to make us flourish..and we did..too much in fact. By the time Jesus was around, that topic was no longer even an issue he just promoted "love thy neighbor". A man and a man being in love and making love is NOT a slight against God in any way, shape or form. Nor is a female sleeping with a female. And deep down EVERYONE is attracted to women, I don't care how gay a man is, he still partially admires the beauty of the anima. Homosexuality occurs in animals too. Overpopulation comes about in animal societies and they begin to become homosexual as the population balances..why is it so hard to believe human beings are doing the same thing? Do we really have THAT much pride? Love knows no gender, and this is a concept that should be embraced. Life is about spending time with people you love and make you happy. Gender only plays the role in reproduction when you get right down to it. As much as I put females on the pedastal, we're all people. The fact that Jimmy has a penis does not make him any better than Susie in any way nor does it make him different..our society and culture does that. Granted there ARE minor differences that occur in general personality, but that's about it. And the fact that Susie is attracted to women does not mean she is meant to burn in Hell. That sickens me. Next person who tells me that homosexuality is a slight against God, prepare to get stricken.

People need to stop having so many children. Plain and simple. I often hear religion as an excuse. "It's against my religion to use birth control!" then stop having sex. You don't need seven children. The human race is not expanding out into space any time soon so stop. The religion excuse is weak and ignorant at best. It was given to our ancestors ages and ages before our civilization to date. God wanted us to flourish, we did. We no longer live the way God intended, so don't use that as an excuse. Most people having kids should have just been content with one or even two. When it goes passed that in this day and age it seems selfish. Very very selfish. There are enough people in the world. So much so that we've simply become desensitized to helping eachother out.

People who don't understand their religion, which is a lot, make me mad. Mostly Christians. I get annoyed when people preach about Jesus when they don't even understand his teachings or follow them. He wanted us all to love eachother, even our enemies. Wow, we really did that. Top notch, humanity. Great work there. Jesus was a great great man. I respect him far too much for not being Christian. Why is it that so many people who praise Jesus create so much hate and persecution?

Ignorance disgusts me, as I'm sure it's become obvious. The devil is not Baphomet. Satan is a fallen angel, he was once beautiful, but his sins corrupted him and I'm sure he's long since forgotten his beauty. Though I'm not claiming to understand God or the devil, as they are entities far beyond our understanding. Dante is NOT another name for the devil. An older woman I work with told me that Dante was another name for the devil, as I told her she should read Dante's Inferno. And I simply told her that that was incorrect. That title is referring to the author who was showing us how awful Hell was. It was not showing ownership. Dante is not Satan, he was a great poet. I get sickened when people preach to me like that and have no fucking idea what they're talking about. Go read a book some time, fuck.

I also hate how people cling to the Bible like it's even divine mandate anymore. It's been so editted, changed, and whatnot by man over ages. It's no longer what it was intended to be. I mean, good lord, they rip Lilith right out of the creation story and then simply make it lack much rhyme or reason for the actions that then take place. THEN they don't even remember to remove her from later parts. Isaiah makes clear mention of her in his book. I figure if you're going to treat someone like they never existed then you should do a better job of it. The creation doesn't make sense without Lilith. God created one adrogynous being IN HER IMAGE. God did not create Adam out of his image. Adam is only half. The being grew jealous of the animals all having mates and that lead to loneliness. God them seperated the two and Adam and Lilith were then formed from the original adrogynous, hermaphraditic human being. Lilith felt as though she was equal to Adam and requested that she be on top during their love making, as she wanted her turn. Adam refused and said he did not feel as they were equal. So Lilith left Adam. That's right, the FIRST story of the Bible actually depicts woman being more strong willed than man. OH NO!!!!!! Lilith refused to return to Eden, despite requests from God and her angels themselves. God then decided to create another mate for Adam. Eve was created from Adam's rib so she would be more submissive for him. Lilith left the garden before humanity knew mortality, so she was never given mortality. She found her solace and comfort amongst the fallen for the most part..when she wasn't with the animals of the wilderness..or being summoned by God herself to perform various tasks. The Bible has been far too butchered and if only things wouldn't have been altered as a method for gaining varying degrees of power..who knows what humanity and society would be like today.

All I ask of people is to have an open mind. I don't care how stubborn you are, how stupid you are, or how proud you are. I don't care if you disagree with me either. Accept things for what they are not what people make them. Just because most of the world thinks God hates homosexuals, that makes it true? Disgusting. I guess the world really WAS flat at one time then, wasn't it? Same logic.